When I was getting divorced, I would read story after story about women who were sure the man they chose to marry was going to be their forever partner…and he ended up not being anything close to that.
Some women were victims. I didn't stay long on those posts. Some women were just sad. I cried with them as I read their stories. Then there were those who grieved, picked up the pieces, and started life again.
Those helped me grieve, too, because I needed to do that before I started my life over again in 2018. My husband was great when we started. We had a baby…late. I found out I was pregnant on my 40th birthday. (It was almost scandalous…but then I would laugh when her kindergarten friends would ask if I was the grandma. I didn't think I looked that old...but leave it to the kids to know the truth!)
But he never seemed able to pay all his bills, so guess who got stuck with the financial burden every month — paying for school lunch, books, or whatever extra expense always seemed to pop up whenever I thought we had a little bit of extra breathing room.
When the Life You Planned Stops Making Sense
Getting a divorce was a shock. I grew up in what my cousin (who lived across the alley from us) would later call the Magical Kingdom Neighborhood. Yes, people fought or drank too much, but they always seemed to find a way to stay together. So as I watched my marriage fall apart, I didn't know what to do at first, so I stayed. I kept paying all the bills.
Until one day, I realized I didn't have to.
That was the day that I discovered financial independence. I didn't know it at the time. Then it was just another burden to bear. But as I got farther and farther away from the madness that was my marriage, I was able to take control of my life, and that included my finances.
I also started listening to other women and the stories they told about why they got divorced: abuse and neglect. Some were like me — a husband who was great to start, then turned to alcohol. (I used to say alcohol was his mistress, and that mistress was slowly killing him. He never saw the humor in that. It was a bit macabre, I know, but it was true.)
One woman told me about her husband, who would drink too much and start hitting her. She left when she realized she would end up dead if she stayed. Then there were the guys so married to their work that they never saw their wives and children. Some women would leave when they discovered an affair or when they finally accepted that their husband wasn't willing to be a real partner — and wasn't willing to change.
I know there are good men out there, those who are good partners. I read those stories too, on social media, and I wonder, "How did they do that?" I always love a good love story, and as I get older, I realize that love really is about communication, understanding, and space — letting him have a life that doesn't totally revolve around me, because I want a life that doesn't totally revolve around him.
Grieving the Loss Before You Count the Cost
But for now, if we are divorced or divorcing, we need to face what is going on in our lives. It's not easy. We need to grieve the loss of that relationship, of that person. We have to split everything…and that includes finances. Maybe you get to keep the house, but you give up something else. You might have to give up your car to get him off the loan.
Maybe you were the person who stayed home with the kids, and you need to go back to work. Yes, that still happens, and I'm so not judging. I know the pull of making sure you go to every game, every play, every performance — and then have dinner ready when he gets home.
So how do we reconstruct our financial lives in the midst of a midlife divorce?
Well, the first thing to know is that our financial lives are intertwined with all the other "lives" we live. So make sure you take some time for self-care. Have that pedicure if you can. Use your girlfriends. Go out for lunch. Just know that life continues, no matter what, and it's important to take time for yourself — and to remember that you need to live, too.
I edited a book once about a woman who broke up with her long-time boyfriend. Her friend whisked her off to a resort in Mexico, where the cruise director — this impossibly energetic, upbeat guy — marched over and demanded, "Why you no scream VIVA?" It became the title of her book. Remember to scream VIVA once in a while, even if you don't feel like it. Eventually you will!
Let's Look at the Numbers (No Judgment, Just Truth)
Look at what you have already. You have taken steps to get your sanity back, perhaps. You have more space.
Looking also means taking inventory.
Look at what you already have in your accounts. This includes your checking, savings, and retirement accounts — IRAs, 401(k)s, 403(b)s, and the like.
Then take stock of what you have coming in in terms of income. You have your salary. You may have alimony or child support that you didn't have before. Maybe you have a military pension that you have always counted on. It's not much, but it's part of your income.
Once you know how much you have coming in, figure out how much you need.
What is your monthly financial plan? How much do you need to cover all your bills — your mortgage or rent, your car payments, your insurance, your utilities?
Then figure out how much you spend on food. Make this a separate category. Gas is the same way. Why? Because you might have more than you think, and you might be spending more than you need to right now.
Take a simple notebook and write this down. It can be neat. It doesn't have to be. No one is going to look at it. (And as I write this, I think about my sister saying, "You know, there are no dishwasher gods." If you need to run the dishwasher and it isn't full, then do it.)
The idea is this: take what you have, subtract what you need, and the figure will either show what you have left over or the gap you need to cover.
Is the figure a positive number?
Then you need to start looking at smart ways to handle your money. It may be that you put some in the stock market, but that's risky, and putting everything in one place isn't a good idea. Put some in safe money. (Yes, I can help you with that.) Put some in an emergency fund. And by all means, take the vacation to Hawaii or Bora Bora if you want to. You deserve it.
Is the figure a negative number?
We have a little more work to do, but you can overcome it.
First, it takes a positive mindset. If you think "Oh, I'm never going to make enough," then guess what — you won't. Instead, ask yourself, "How am I going to fix this?" Look for solutions. Here are some ideas:
Get a coffee maker and skip the $5 to $7 daily coffee drinks. You can still have coffee — just make it at home. You'll save boatloads.
Start a side hustle. Look around. Find out what gives you joy and use it to start making money.
If you have kids still in school, a second job is tough. But maybe they can get one. It builds character, teaches responsibility with money, and takes some financial pressure off you.
Don't forget smart money solutions. Maybe you have savings that could work harder for you — generating income without depleting the account.
You Can — and You Will — Rebuild
You can…and you will…rebuild your life after divorce. We can recover from the shock, financial and otherwise. Getting divorced while also navigating your own physical and hormonal changes is tough. Yes, I'm talking about menopause. Financial Menopause™ can hit harder when we are also going through a divorce. Life isn't always roses and rainbows.
But remember — you are strong. You are capable. You are enough. Make that your mantra.